I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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