a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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