Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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