i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
