Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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