You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
