i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
