I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
