she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize