I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
