I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
