Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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