So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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