I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
