did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
