Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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