i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize