i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
