I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
it was like eating out sand paper
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
