umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
