Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
