you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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