He asked to "fluff my boner.."
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
