Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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