so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
