just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
