rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
