1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
