you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
