I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
