Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
