Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
