I think I died a long time ago.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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