Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He has the fingertips of a God
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