if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
