we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
