I just threw up on my dentist
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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