Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
