There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize