dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
