Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
