i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
too bad you live with your parents still
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
