I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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