This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
