He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
