I hate your face
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
