I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize