in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
