I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
