My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize