How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
This gyro tastes like lonliness
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
