I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
zippers are such a cool invention
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
