woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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