Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My ATM looks so different sober.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
