you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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