Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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