he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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