can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
