I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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