somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
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