My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
