decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
