i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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