every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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