I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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